I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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