this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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