i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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