It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
