this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
A bitchslap is in order.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
