My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
