so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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