dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
