Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
