then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
