i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
