Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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