At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
