I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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