He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
MIDGETS
????
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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