watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
