her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
time to smoke my breakfast
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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