Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
