Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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