i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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