The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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