dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
