I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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