I'm so fucking centered right now
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
