i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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