My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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