i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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