There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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