On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
