john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
