Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
