I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
