I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
