He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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