apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
