the condom got lost in my hair
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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