When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Pooping to opera.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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