Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
