like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
