I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
