My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Sober January is a disaster.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
