Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
where are my eyebrows?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
