You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
