I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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