Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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