I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
