my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
