a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
