If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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