if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
